Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Ninja Jesus (for Lacy)

My classmates and I were talking before the start of Comparative Religious Philosophy about the recent absence of Fundie. Yes, our dear Fundie has been missing for a few weeks, and we were postulating as to the reason why. Well, it's rather obvious, isn't it? We're all Satanists!

His words.

I swear.

During the break of our class, we saw Fundie looking as smug as ever in the computer lab at the end of the hall. Initially thinking we should walk on by, we started back towards class when I got the brilliant idea to pop in on good ol' Fundie. I stuck my head in to the computer lab and asked if he knew he'd missed a test that night. (WHICH WAS EVIL, BY THE WAY!) His response, and I quote, was, "Oh, I dropped that class. I couldn't stand you Satanists anymore."

I. D.I.E.D.!!!!!!!!! It was the most hilarious thing ever! Sadly, though, the collective of evil geniuses that comprise our classroom's pupils will not be able to use the various Jesus jokes we had saved. What Jesus jokes you ask? Well, they are as follows:


  1. What if Jesus was a ninja? Ninja Jesus would have been able to get away from those damn Roman soldiers, and fling some uber deadly ninja stars in the mean time.

  2. Jesus would have been a member of PFLAG. Jesus liked prostitutes, drug dealers, and zealots; he would have ADORED a fabulous drag queen or go-go boy. I just know that he would have been the groovy hippy guy at Starbuck's, sitting with the fat, overly-pierced lesbians talking about being bi-curious - at least enough to be cool.

  3. Jesus should have been born a black, midget, mildly retarded lesbian. This way, modern day Christians (not Christianity...I'm not anti-Christian people!) wouldn't have anything hate-filled to proselytize about. Well, maybe they would condemn you for being too normal. Think about it, Abercrombie's models would probably be forced to...I dunno... eat something and stop working out! Our whole concept of acceptable beauty would be turned end-up.

And, of course, a host of other light-hearted "What if...?" scenarios that we were dying to use whilst screwing with Fundie. Yes, I will use any opportunity I can to use the word "whilst" in a sentence. In the meantime, I'll be attending my weekly Satanist convention as we attempt to evoke the Dark Lord Beelzetard and learn of his darkly tantric ways. Yeah for blood orgies!


Love and Lyte,


Fire Lyte


Fundie... We will miss thee...


No comments:

Post a Comment