Sunday, April 26, 2009

It's not diet if it has Whipped Cream.

There are rules, laws if you will, that govern how one should eat. Granted, when I'm busy attempting to juggle the world I don't have time, patience, or care for eating properly. But in slower times, I do attempt to eat as healthfully as possible. This includes buying organic when I go to the grocery store, avoiding fast food chains like the plague, and cooking at home as much as possible. With full realization of how quickly diet-themed blogposts can become diatribes of self-promotin, I shall digress and, instead, make fun of a jolly fat man that came into the gym this morning.

Now, I've not been the best gym-goer as of late - given my work/school load - but I've been able to manage 3 days a week for an hour to an hour and a half. This morning, as I'm doing a bit of light cycling, Keith Miller walks into the gym. Since I cannot find a picture of this guy to post, I shall direct you to his website. Please, click, laugh, and make fun. I cannot quite decide whether he looks like Bob the Tomato, or a Butternut Squash. You decide:









It's really easy to make fun of this guy. He's an ambulance-chasing attorney who seems to have a commercial on local stations every 5 minutes depicting this fleshy behemoth of a man hooping and hollering about how much he hates insurance companies and how much money he's sure to get you. He's a real dick. What made the entire situation even more denegration-worthy was the fact that the guy walked into the gym carrying a venti frappuccino from Starbuck's with this colossal mountain of whipped cream on top. I swear, he made out with it. Then, the guy proceeds to do 5 minutes of free weights and spent the next hour in the steam room...where none dared travel for fear of being sucked into his sponge-like fat.

I've been really getting into these rules for what constitutes "food." Like, if your grandmother wouldn't recognize the tube of yogurt spooge wedged in between the chemically-enhanced, non-biodegradable wafer with the fake, solid milk product on it as food, then it's not food. If it doesn't decompose, then it's not food. If you cannot pronounce the names of the ingredients, then it's not food. If one or more of the ingredients were never alive in the first place, then it's not food. And, if you're drinking coffee before you go to the gym as a quick, natural energy drink, I'm all for that. But to drink a coffee-like concoction with a mountain of whipped cream big enough to sink the Titanic? That's NOT good for your diet, and it's way over the bounds of the definition of counter-productive.

Keith Miller, I point and laugh at you. HA. HA.

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

1 comment:

  1. I saw him at a Mexican restaurant once, downing margaritas with his other overweight lawyer buddies. They were discussing a case and talking about some SOB they were gonna get millions out of. Let me also remind you he drives a Cadillac XLR (seen here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5c/Cadillac-XLR-1.jpg).

    I've seen him riding in that thing and he looks like Bob the Tomato being crammed into a fruit blender to be smoothied. Disgusting.

    He also came into Pep Boys once to try and gain information regarding one of his clients. He wanted to know if we offered some particular service, as his client had told him that he came to Pep Boys to receive. I was the manager in charge that day and withdrew comment. He left pretty pissed, with his leopard, frilly thong-panties in a wad.

    At least we know he has good taste in cars and coffee.

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