Saturday, May 2, 2009

Too funny! Playgan point-and-laugh

Now, I'm not one to repost material, but I just had to show you all this. It's from the Uncyclopedia, which is a reference site like Wikipedia with even less facts. In fact, it twists all the information until it doesn't even look like the original. Funny, though. Really funny. So, with that said, here's an utterly hilarious view of what it takes to be a Wiccan (be warned, some are repetitive and/or offensive):

Basically all you have to do to become a Wiccan is simply say you're a Wiccan
loudly and often. However, to further wedge yourself into the religion, you can also do the following:
Visit Wiccapedia.
Spell things incorrectly, like wynd, magick, summyr, hyjyne and for that matter, realytti with a bad imitation of Old English or Frisian style.
Hate Christians (or as you should now start calling them "Xians"). In fact you should have a general hatred for anything with the word Christ in it, including: Christmas, anyone named Christine ("Xine" being the Wiccan word for Christine, so to speak) and the word richest because it's too damn close to being an anagram of Christ. This is an especially important point, because Wicca is the biggest threat to Christianity, itself being born in a free world constructed from patriarchal rule coincidently slapped on the ass into submission from mother "obey, or no sex tonight" theology. And we all know what that means... more football.
Change your name to something with two or more of the following words: Wynd, Summer, Night, Moon, Wolf, Crystal, Breeze, Solar, Raven, Owl, Storm, Silver, Gold, or Star.
Start wearing black or purple crushed velvet.
Masturbate several times a day.
Gain about 80 lbs.
Forgoe hygiene since this is an invention of "The Evil Xtian Patriarchy".
Wear a pentagramm necklace the size of a dinner plate at all times, dress like it's halloween everyday, wear tons of black makeup, and then when someone asks if you're a Wiccan become genuinely shocked and say "How did you know???".
Claim you're part Native American, and make up some stupid Indian tribe.
Be a 'special needs student' and get your first psychiatric evaluation at age 13.
Watch a movie called "The Craft" which is a documentary on real-life Wiccans and what they can do.
Burn things, like candles, incense, gange, bits of string, yourself, but mostly gange.
Become an overweight, bisexual, and preferably polyamorous teenage girl.
Buy lots of silver pentagrams which you should try and adorn as much of your body with as possible.
Tell people vampires are real and you have proof because you use to be one until "they" de-fanged you. Then tell them how much you love human blood.
Tell everyone around you about being a Wiccan; the less they want to listen, the better. This will alienate you from your environment even more and work toward your goal of being special.
Start a webpage, preferably with a purple background and red text. Plenty of spinning pentagrams are a MUST and also as many animated gifs as you can find (of things like flames and cats). The graphics are much more important than the actual text on your webpage but if you must add actual "information" it should be in the form of a long-winded rant about how witches were burnt at the stake and about fairies being real. A MySpace account also counts.
Write your name in blood (preferably menstrual blood which you keep in a jug in your fridge) on things around your house and act surprised when people treat you like you are insane.
Prance around your front garden in nothing but a cloak and pointy hat. When people complain simply tell them that you are a proud pagan and only practicing
your freedom of religion - then break into a long-winded rant about the burning
times.
Reading information on Wicca is not as important as acting the part, but if you are ever confronted by someone who has then simply use the defense that there is no "right way" to do anything, you don't want to be put into a box or labeled and so they should stop judging you. Then accuse them of being Xian.
Burn a pentacle in your neighbor’s lawn, and sacrifice their dog/cat/fish/child/flower to the gods. Then jump around and chant magic words. Cut your arm open and bleed all over the ground. The gods will love you forever. Your neighbor, however, might be a little ticked off. Sue the neighbor for persecuting your religion.
Convince yourself there is no turning back. Once you are in, man, you're in.
Above all, develop a compulsive attraction to shiny things, like little colored led crystal balls. You should develop this skill to the point where you start picking shiny metal things up off the ground without giving your hands conscious direction.
Talk about how much you're "sticking it" to the mainstream. If someone complains, scream: "You just don't understand! I'm different!" and start rambling about how everyone else is discriminating you. Then accuse them of living in a fantasy world and an illusion before you get back to worshiping trees and dirt.
Learn to be nice and polite...except to non-Wiccans, because they're inferior to your super magicy magicky majick self.
Develop a love for overpriced rocks (must have a good reason why said rocks are the “specialist” and “sacredest” of all rocks)
Spend several hours a day channeling your magick into any mundane object you can find(above mentioned rocks will do especially great)
Be sure to ignore most of the guidelines of the actual religion. All you have to do to
be a witch is say you're one. And that your family has always been in tune with nature or something like that. If your parents happen to be sane, claim you're adopted and are actually the child of [insert imaginary being which you worship].
Buy a little cast iron pot you think is majjgjick and act all spooky and mysterious when you're crushing up chalk and dried leaves from your backyard with some granite stick you bought at like, world market or someplace majjgjikky like that. Then pour wax from your burning pillar candles into the cast iron pot until it is full, and stir the dried leaves into it. Top with flowers, then let the wax mixture dry.
Charge all your friends money for tarot card readings, all the time decrying anybody that uses magickal gifts for profit.
Be sure to recognise that no matter how sodding nuts a deity acts in the mythology that they're a part of, they REALLY want what's best for you, just like the strange smelling old man that likes to offer the neighbourhood kids candy...
Make certain that EVERYBODY knows that Wicca is a life-affirming, nature-based spirituality before setting up your altar on a Tupperware container and using a crayon as a magic wand and a plastic sword as a real one because mummy and daddy wouldn't like you playing with big people's knives would they?.
Be loud and authoritative when you tell people that Wiccans never hurt anybody because it's against their religion but at the same time making sure that people better not mess with you because you know magic.
Whine about how the evil "Xtians" are intolerant, bigoted, narrowminded, and need to be all killed, starting with Mother Teresa.
Be as intolerant, bigoted and narrowminded as you claim the "Xtrians" are, but say that it's alright for you to be that way because you're Wiccan and the Goddess loves you.

To read the rest of the article, click here. Like I said, it's funny, irreverant, but slightly accurate. I think they just stared at a group of playgans running around Spencer's or other overtly sexual mall staples. This seems to fit that stereotype. :::sigh:::

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

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