The Bible is too Liberal ...?

Have you ever thought that the supreme vengeance and almighty wrath depicted in the Bible was a little too muddled down by flowery, egalitarian language? Perhaps you thought that when Jesus took a couple of loaves of bread and some fish and fed a huge multitude of people, it was really a subversive liberal message of some kind. Well, dears, your prayers to Yahweh have been heard. Conservapedia (the right-wing, ultra-conservative, Christian fanatic response to Wikipedia) has taken on what they call the Conservative Bible Project, which, according to them, will seek to correct the "Liberal bias [that] has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations."

Yes. What's going through your head right now should be a mixture of confusion and nausea. Or, at least, that's what I'm experiencing. Their guidelines for rewriting the Bible are:

  1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
  2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
  3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level
  4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
  5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
  6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
  7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
  8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
  9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
  10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."
I, personally, thoroughly enjoy the 10th Conservative Commandment. We shall not call our God by His name, because that just confuses the masses and adds to the liberal agenda. I could really go on with the various silliness that the project attempts to legitimize - like the socialist agenda of the Bible - but I'll digress. It should be noted that Conservapedia is a project of Andy Schlafly, son of Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly. The Schlafly family and their pet projects are aggressively opposed to feminism, abortion and pro-choice movements, non-Christians, people that don't speak English, vaccinations (I know, right?), and they really hate sex education in the school systems. I actually used them in a study I did for my senior thesis on early childhood sexuality, tolerance, and criminality. Oh, and they really, really, REALLY hate gay people. So, it should only be natural that the very book they base their entire empire of intolerance and hatred would, eventually, be found to be too damn liberal.

I have no problem with the Bible, Christianity, Jesus, or any problem with the faith whatsoever. It's people like the Schlafly's that I take very serious issue with. These are the kinds of people who ruthlessly oppose evolution - literally and figuratively - of the populace. In an age where people's eyes are finally opening, and we're actually on the verge of gaining civil liberties and rights never before thought possible, it is people like these that go on television and the internet and any other media outlet available and scare people shitless. The gays are out to get us! The liberals are out to eat your babies! Pagans are responsible for 9/11! I mean, they actually advertise on their home page that atheists, and other non-Christians, give less to charities than Christians.

And, sadly, there are people that gobble this stuff up, these scare tactics that are quite baseless, as though it were water. This is the country in 2009. We're in 2009. Not 1809 or 1609 or 1109 or 0009... 2009. Would somebody please facebook, or myspace, or twitter, or email, or text message, or fax, or call, or telepathically let them know what year it is?!

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

P.S. Yeah for news articles!!!!


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