Monday, June 7, 2010

What goes up? My fat.

I got a call this afternoon letting me know that I'd won 2 free training sessions with a personal trainer plus a bonus fitness test. Cool, right, because I never win anything. Ok I've won a height contest or 7, but a contest with a prize I actually wanted? Never.

So I go to do the fitness test today and I meed my trainer. Her name is Becky and she's just about the cutest little thing. Becky tells me how she used to work in the daycare center at my gym, but then found Jesus...I mean the treadmill. 100 pounds later she went from Rebecca to Becky! Yeah, she got so skinny her name had to be shortened.

She proceeds to make me walk uphill on a treadmill at a rate that I usually don't go at an incline I usually don't walk. Then, of course, she wanted to chat.

What do like to do for fun? Where do I work? How often do I work out? Do I have any pets? Do I want to hear about the half-marathon Becky just finished and the marathon she's training for?

Quick note: The first person to ever run a marathon died. He died. He was a Greek messenger and was trying to get from the battle of Marathon to Athens to inform them that the Persians had been defeated. Legend has it that he sprinted the full distance, announced the Grecian victory, and fell over dead. What lessons do we draw from this? Marathons = death.

I found out a few things: I lost weight since last year. Great. I lost a little bit of flexibility. Meh...couldn't care that much. I apparently can lift TWICE AS MUCH this year as I could last. That utterly rocks. And then she pulls out these fat pincers. She pinches my chest...not so bad there. She pinches my belly button. Ok...things are getting squishy. Then she has me stand in this bird position and she pinches my thigh. I thought I had skinny legs with just the right amount of padding.

Apparently I am a walking tub of butter.

She tells my my body fat percentage has skyrocketed 10 points since last year. 10 points. I went from average to grease ball. But...but I lost weight!

Then she tells me that for $250 worth of tests and $820 worth of sessions I, too, can shorten my name...I mean fat percentage. Though, at three letters, I don't know what I'd shorten it to. Maybe I can be one of those one-letter people. People will know me as D. Nothing else, just D, because my abs will be so tight no other letters will fit.

Now the big question: will you loan me $1200 so I can shorten my name?

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

6 comments:

  1. OMG! You are too funny! My suggestion- take the dog for two walks a day and keep your three lettered name...lotsa luv!

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  2. Aww bebs (i'm a little sozzled right now). Don't let the buggers grind you down. There is nothing she can do that you can't do so don't put your money into a scheme that aims to lessen people's views of themselves.

    I want to lose a bit of weight over the summer but i'll do so using self-discipline. You can do it too. (As corny as it sounds) BELIVE IN YOURSELF...

    Again, am a little drunks :D

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  3. I don't know about those fat percentage tests. How accurate are they really? Somebody should ask Dr. Oz. But not Becky.

    Yay for lifting double and losing weight. You can't have it all, plus a rocking podcast. Sheesh - greedy much? *giggle* ;)

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  4. Oh snap, first name outted!

    Caliper body fat tests aren't very reliable anyway, I wouldn't sweat it too much.

    I like this story though, because most Rebeccas I know will disembowel you, if you call them Becky.

    Onwards Pheidippides-Lyte! Nike!

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  5. I have just been pointed to the examiner page. That takes all the fun out of the guessing =(

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