Saturday, July 24, 2010

How to Get Superpowers (Reader Response)

I got an email from a new reader of the blog who asked the following:

Hey...
Hopefully you have the answer to my question I have yet to figure out....I been led in many directions towards learning more about spirituality.....The Psychic Eye store....The Bohdi Tree store in west hollywood....but I never had time to go....all i really want is more knowledge about what i have to do to gain more supernatural powers....I looked into wicca... (ehh too much stuff to buy) Im more of an old soul...so im into old urban legends....Like I would love to have body transformations....have animal like powers....psychokenisis....be cursed to be a vampire...or something! I want to gain more power....psychically and mentally....I tried reading and researching books but nothing came to me....I was hoping to actually meet someone who has knowledge about what exactly to do....or how to go about doing it.....
So can you help me?


No, I didn't insert the ellipses into the sentence. That's how it was written. Obviously my first instinct is to call this a fake and not respond, but then it occurred to me that - given the audience for the new pagan media - it might very well not. Besides, my mother always taught me that there is no such thing as a stupid question. Thus, I am going to provide a few different methods for obtaining superpowers in an attempt to answer the email. Here we go:


  1. If you have any natural gifts - i.e. you know who's calling before they answer, your mood effects the weather, when you want it to rain a pipe bursts in your bedroom and floods it for three days - nurture them. Have a friend hold up playing cards for you to guess which one it is. Jump off your roof until you can remain airborne. The best athletes didn't make it to the major leagues on raw talent. They had to practice. So whatever you're good at, work at it. Just, please, don't come to my house and try to fix my leaky faucet. Actually, come to think of it, you probably shouldn't be a plumber at all until you get a handle on that psychokinesis.
  2. If your siblings have active powers and yours is more passive, you should practice extra hard. You and I both know that they wouldn't get to use their flashy, magical powers if you hadn't had the vision that told them where the bad guy was. In fact, they should be grateful that you even deigned to let them in on your awesome psychic abilities in the first place!
  3. Urban Legends are really cool, but not everybody gets to automatically have an urban legend written about them, let alone get the accompanying superpowers. Now, I might get in trouble for saying this, but you might want to go on a killing spree. Cheerleaders and small children seem to work best in this instance. Then, when their parents find out and they come to lynch you, you'll gain the ability to come back from the dead for as many sequels as Hollywood can pinch out of moviegoers or walk through dreams or. 
  4. Likewise, if you've been picked on your whole life for not being pretty enough, cool enough, or an all around dweeb - which, I'm guessing, might be the case - don't let it go. Don't act on it yet, but don't ever let it go. In fact, let it keep building inside you...oh, I dunno, like a burning flame. Then, get all of those people that picked on you together in one room. Now, you'll need some items for this particular ritual, but your local butcher shop should be able to help you. When you pour the pig's blood on you, make sure it covers your face. And don't go using any corn syrup; your powers will know the difference. Then, when you're doused, let all that rage shoot out of your eyes. Try and make stuff burn. Pyrokinesis is better than no kinesis at all, I always say.
  5. If you want to be cursed, then just ask. I have no problem cursing the living daylights out of you, but you have to follow the Dark Rede when doing so. "Bide the Superpower laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust. If it harms none, get a signed permission slip first...er...bust." (See how it rhymes? It must be true!) Just be specific about the kind of curse you'd like me to do. I haven't done a vampire one yet, but maybe another Rioter has! It can be a group effort. We can all curse you!
  6. For animal powers, the easiest way I've found of obtaining them is to get bitten by something. Another werewolf, a radioactive spider, perhaps some sort of Old One/Cthulu style thing. If you happen to have access to a Chupacabra, that would probably work. But, get creative! Think outside the box. WHAT kind of animal powers do you want to have? I don't know that anybody has channeled hummingbird powers or slug powers! Wouldn't it be cool to be able to melt whenever you wanted to with just a little salt? I'm sure it would come in handy for the rest of us when doing Number 5! Whenever you figure out which powers you want, find that animal, stick it in a box of uranium until it's nice and radioactive, and let it bite you. That should do the trick.
  7. If reading and researching are too much of a hassle, then try books on tape. There's this guided meditation book you can buy from Barnes and Noble. If you just rewrite and rerecord it a bit, you could use it to gain more magickkkkal powers. In fact, a lot of them typically already bestow you with powers, but you might want to add a caveat to them. Something like this, "And when I wake up, this will not be a total crock of shit, and I will not have wasted $19.95 + tax on another useless magic book. This will work, and I am now Merlin's chosen butt buddy." You know...or something else of your choosing. Remember! Magic works best when you write it yourself!
  8. What has always worked for me in the past is to find some ancient civilization's lost amulet/talisman/Ark of the Covenant. There's typically either a reward of magical powers, or the amulet/talisman/Phoenix-Feather Wand grants you superpowers. Either way, it's a win-win situation, because you get to be the hero and have your pick of the village virgins, AND you get awesome, ancient, badass powers!
  9. When none of the above have worked, and you're going about your daily life powerless and ultimately a complete waste of flesh, then what you need to do is find an old bookstore. Like, a really old one. One that looks like it's been there for 500 years or more, and you should probably also ignore the actual age of this country and focus more on aesthetics. To get there you need to be chased by either bullies, crack heads, gang members, or one of the Scooby Doo villains. Once there, you'll meet a really old shopkeeper whose name inexplicably correlates to an ancient wizard/witch/historical figure. This person is NOT the ancient wizard/witch/historical figure, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary. They will give you a book or a talisman that will either grant you superpowers, allow you access to another world where you have superpowers, or they will tell you a story about how you're the last descendant in a long line of people with superpowers and you will immediately begin to have majjjickckqal experiences, despite never having had anything like that happen to you ever in your life. (Like the ability to make paragraph-long run-on sentences.) 
  10. If all else fails. If the old man in the bookstore is just some perv that hangs out in the children's section. If your werewolf won't go into the uranium tank. If you've never been picked on in your life, and $19.95 + tax is STILL too much to spend, then I have one last thing to try: jump off a bridge. Repeatedly. Chances are you'll fly or you'll fall at the exact speed and height to open a wormhole. Presto! The ability to both fly and create wormholes all in one drop! Now, you'll probably want to try this several times, but don't be discouraged by a few broken bones. These are superpowers after all! If you just wanted some piddly little regular powers, all you'd need is a few blackout contacts and anything written in latin. Then you're gold.

Rioters, I hope this has helped. Remember that I am always here to answer any questions, comments, gripes, or complaints you may have. I care about each and every one of you, and I want to see all of you achieve your superpower goals! Let me know how it works!

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

8 comments:

  1. Every time someone says there are no stupid questions it reminds me of Mr. Garrison from South Park - "Now, Kyle, there's no such thing as a stupid question - just stupid people."

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  2. I love your idea on how to get animal powers!! I am so going to have to try that. Do you think there are weretiger-bunnies out there? Cause I want to be super strong with the power to jump REALLY REALLY high. :)

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  3. :in state of utter shock...:

    I just don't even know what to say to that. :P

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  4. Wow... I actually am at a loss for words here

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  5. Did you know that I am now your biggest fan?

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