Sunday, December 4, 2011

Top 9 Ways to Survive the Holidays

Holiday time is here! People are stressed out while buying presents and getting ready to see family members they don't normally see. As usual, your least favorite Rioter-In-Chief is back with a helpful Top 9 list to help you all survive the holidays just a bit easier. Why a Top 9? Because I got to 9 and couldn't think of any more. If you have any to add, leave them in the comments section below! 

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte
By the way, just in case this isn't clear, this list is intended as humor. It's definitely not meant to be fact or serious or anywhere close to an actual suggestion of how you should spend your holidays. If you don't like sarcasm, please spare the hate mail. I warned you. Though, if you decide to have a fluffy tossing event, I would very much like an invitation. Yes, that was a joke, too.

The Yule Squid. Greatest. Thing. Ever. 
  • When the holidays get tough, the tough get going… To the Fluffy Bunny Toss! That’s right, folks! Just like the punkin’ chunkin’ of weeks prior, the annual Fluffy Bunny Tossing season is fun for the whole family! Now, you might have a little trouble getting Most High Witch Lady Queen Morgana Selena Darkfoot to get her happy tail into the Tossing bucket, but I’ve found a way to fix that: line the thing with glitter! Just fill it up with as much glitter as you can. Like an Easter basket. Actually, just use an Easter basket. It’s for bunnies, right? Anyways, just use an Easter basket filled with glitter and possibly some leftover CunningRavenBuckie books to lure the adorable little bunnies into the sling. Then, naturally, pull back the cord and let them fly! This is particularly fun if you’re doing it while keeping several phallic symbols on the left side of the sling and large pots of water and glasses of milk on the right. It really screws with them, and a frazzled Fluffy Tosser is the best Fluffy Tosser I always say.

  • Start a rumor that someone in your office had been in prison for going postal at their last job after someone played one too many Christmas carols and that they supposedly have gone off their medication. Then, start wearing lots of trench coats and giving people the stink eye anytime they try to hang a wreath or play Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’ Enjoy your quiet, decoration free workplace.

  •  Join a mob. Nothing says Holiday Season quite like a good mob. This year, they come complete with pepper spray and Fox News reporters saying you’re Occupying something. Never mind all that. Join the mob that best fits you. If you’re pagan, you’re not too late to go ahead and join the Be Offended At Christianity mob, just in time to forcefully tell Betsy from accounting that you will NOT have a Merry Christmas and then summon Krampas to eat her. If you’re Christian, go ahead and grab your can of Mace and get in the spirit of things by non-lethally heading to the front of the pack to get a bit of what this season is all about: cheap junk at even cheaper prices. After all, nothing reminds us all about the reason for the season than throwing the slow-moving fatso in front of you over a manger display to get at the $2 waffle irons. If you don’t fit in either category, you should join the Hey! Remember Us? mob. Unfortunately, nobody will give a crap. But, you can take solace in the fact that nobody ever did.

  • At work, especially if you work with the public, wear a lot of buttons that take care of ridiculous answers to stupid holiday questions. They can say things like “Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola.” Or, “Stop singing that song, because you are not Mariah Carey.” Or, “No, you do not get different store policies because it’s the holiday season.” Make sure you also include a large button that says, “You will be punched if you ask a stupid question that is already answered by a button.” Then, when someone gets upset because you punched them, point to the button that says, “Ignorance of the button is no excuse for not adhering to the button. Happy Holidays.”

  • Decorate Drunk. This combines everyone’s two favorite activities during the holidays - well, except for Fluffy Tossing - drinking and decorating, into one mighty union of awesomeness. Even better, you could throw some tinsel over several bottles of liquor, set them artfully around your living space, and call it a holiday. This serves multiple purposes. I can’t think of what they all would be right now, because I’ve been decorating a little myself today and I’ve lost my train of thought, but hey… There’s booze. Everywhere. That can’t be a bad thing.

  • Find the smallest child you can wrench away from his or her parents. Promise them candy or hard drugs; you know, whatever 3-year-olds are doing these days. Take them by the hand. Walk them to the mall or the local church or the corner of 5th and Main. Wherever. Just find a Santa Claus sitting on his Styrofoam and plywood throne of Santa-ness surrounded by buxom 16-year-old elves. Tell him or her that he’ll make sure you get all the presents you want. See their big, beautiful eyes fill with the joy of the season. Let it warm your heart.  Sit little Timmy or Suzie down on Santa’s lap. Let Timmy or Suzie tell Santa all about the pony or the cowboy hat or the $2 waffle iron that they’ve been wanting all year. Encourage him or her to remind Santa that they have been a wonderful little boy or girl all year long, and that they’ll make sure to leave out warm cookies and cold milk for him, possibly even some carrots for the reindeer if he brings them an Easy Bake oven. (Yes, that is appropriate for boys AND girls. I had one. Boo.) Then, right as Santa is handing over his candy cane and promising to deliver on all the goods and Timmy or Suzie’s little heart is filling with promise and Christmas cheer… RIP OFF SANTA’S FAKE BEARD AND CHEAP HAT AND YELL AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS “HAHAHAHA!! SANTA ISN’T REAL AND YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY OF THAT CRAP!!” And once their tears start flowing and their dreams get crushed and their spirit is all around broken, tell him or her that they are now the perfect candidate for a life-long career in retail.
  • Tell your children that boys and girls who act ungrateful at Christmas or Yule time have to be put up for adoption in the troll market. Shrug your shoulders, telling them that you have no say in the matter and ask what they thought Santa needed such a big bag for. Then, when they get on your nerves, or ask for overly expensive presents, or generally whine about wearing a sweater for the holiday card photo, look despondently off into the distance and quietly say to yourself, “Well, I suppose after they’re taken, I’ll use their college tuition for that cruise I’ve been wanting to go on.” Enjoy the silence.

  • Undecorate other people’s front yards. No, I’m not advocating the theft of baby Jesus in his plastic manger from the Thompson’s front yard, but I am advocating the addition of your own personal touches! Who’s to say they won’t enjoy a nice, life-sized Krampas replacing one of the three wise men. Perhaps you can replace Joseph with Josephine, Mary’s modern-day revisionist Dianic-approved same-sex life partner. (Hey, it solves the problems of ‘Couldn’t it have been Joseph’s kid?’ and ‘How can we make the Nativity more Dianic Wiccan friendly?’, which is something I know we all struggle with every year.) At the very least, you could put up a display of two naked people going at it right in the front yard. If you’re feeling rather exhibitionist, this display can include you! Why? Because we’re pagans. We think every holiday is an excuse to screw.

  • Know in which house the family is going to be gathering for your holiday of choice and pre-wire each room with hidden speakers. Then, get a copy of everyone’s favorite obscure Christmastime comedy, The Christmas Story. For the week of Christmas, once Aunt Jean and Cousin Darrell are all nestled in their temporary beds, play the audio track of the film very, very quietly in each person’s room once they’re asleep. Repeat this as often as possible throughout the week. You’ll notice in the beginning of the week a fondness for the film, maybe a few family members will suggest watching it. Later on, you’ll hear them quoting it and laughing about the leg lamp and the bb gun and all the other beloved references. By the end of the week, however, things will have taken a dark turn. The film will have turned from mildly amusing Christmas tradition to something akin to Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ stuck on repeat played in a panic room without escape to an audience of foul-tempered, ADHD riddled children who have just been told Spongebob Squarepants died. This is the state you want your family to be in. On Christmas day, load everyone down with as much sugar and fluff as you can, until everyone’s eyes are wide and bloodshot. Then, tell everyone to gather in the living room for a special surprise. Notice them loosening their waistlines as they sit down, accommodating the mountains of candy canes they’ve just ingested. Finally, turn the television on and announce that you will be watching the TNT marathon of The Christmas Story. Sit back and enjoy as everyone in your family succumbs to anger seizures, leaving the holiday ham all to yourself. 

2 comments: