Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"Papi... It's passed."

At 4:15 today, I was already exhausted. Since Sunday, I've worked almost 36 hours. I came home to nap, and that was about it. In fact, what I'm doing up at this late hour - almost 11:30pm at this writing - is beyond me. But, there's this thing that happened today...or...almost happened...or...is about to happen.

At 4:15 today, I was meeting with a guy who's going to be repairing my facility's air conditioner, and I was climbing ladders and peeking into air ducts, talking about filters and water intake and other stuff I am qualified approximately 0% to talk about. I was mentally thinking about the schedules I have to write and the three new people I'm going to hire. I was thinking about going home and taking a nap followed by dozing on the couch followed by sleep and more napping.

I was expecting my employees to come in and the night manager to take over and possibly considering pizza for dinner - because after working almost 40 hours in 3 days, fuck calories - but I wasn't even considering the possibility of 4:15pm.

At 4:15, I received a text message that read:

Papi... It's passed.

I didn't even know that today was the day. If I had known, I might have worn better shoes or acted more nervous or possibly ordered a cake. You order a cake for these kinds of things, right? That's how you're supposed to act when you're told you get to have the same rights as your brother. That someone in a suit somewhere is going to allow you the opportunity to have the same rights you'd already have if a chromosome had been a little different or your mom hadn't insisted on nurturing your artistic side or whatever it is that you think makes people gay.

Side note: I think that a ├╝ber fierce Maleficent-style faery comes down and blesses the chosen few with extra sass. That's how little gaylings are born. Drag, baby. Draaaaag.

Ahem.

But, today, I stopped dead in my tracks. I was confused and befuddled. Bemused. Because, I grew up in Texas...spent almost 23 years of my life there...and I grew up with the understanding that I was never going to get married. In fact, that mindset so stuck in my subconscious that it affected my dating habits. I took relationships less seriously, because there was only so far they could go. But, not marriage. Never marriage. That happened in Massachusetts, and that was it. 

Then it happened in California... Until it didn't, and I learned that just because you're told you have a right, doesn't mean someone in a suit can't take it away from you. You learn things when you're part of a minority. You learn that someone is supposed to tell you when and if you're allowed to be on a sports team or whether you'll be successful in a career, whether you get to visit the person you love in the hospital or whether you'll be relegated to a waiting room as they draw their final breath. You learn that men in suits somewhere have more power over your inheritance than you do; simply because you want to leave your life's wealth to your beloved it doesn't mean that's what is going to happen. 

Like everybody I have seen things allegedly changing on television for people with pleasant faces and good lawyers in states that I don't reside. 

It happens in Massachusetts. It happens in New York. It happens in California, sometimes, and in places where it doesn't matter to me. Supposedly, somewhere, there's the Milk and Honey laden land of two men or two women holding hands with matching bands and maybe there are kids or dogs or IKEA furniture. Or all of it. But, it's all a watercolor dreamscape. It's a movie. It's Queer As Folk. 

Because I'm from Texas and I know that things like that won't happen to me. 

And then 4:15 today, I was told that the Illinois House passed the marriage equality bill. I was sent congratulatory messages and all sorts of excitement and shared joy. But, I didn't feel it. I couldn't feel it. It wasn't stunned into non-feeling; it was trepidation that I might get my hopes up only to have them dashed by the vote in the Senate. Or the governor. Or some man in a suit somewhere who didn't want to say that today was the day. 

Then the Senate affirmed. And we're waiting for the governor who has said he'll sign the bill. 

And just like that I'm in the watercolor pipe dream, and I'm thinking June sounds good for a wedding, but May sounds better. I'm thinking about matching bands and that I have enough fur children, but wouldn't a little blonde haired boy be perfect in our second room? 

I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed writing this. How many tears I've shed leading up to this. How many false starts and false hopes I've had. How many times I've given up, only to hope again. 

Then 4:15pm happened, and the world's landscape has changed. It's not sunk in. At all. Maybe when one more man in a suit swishes his pen. Maybe when we can start issuing licenses. Maybe when the first wedding pictures make their way around the internet. Maybe when they're my pictures. Maybe then it will sink in. For now, I'm going to be in the space of surprise and disbelief and hope and elation. 

Love and Lyte,

Fire Lyte

5 comments:

  1. I cried when I read this. I am so happy for you and Partner. My husband thinks that because I'm a married, straight woman, I can't approve of same-sex marriage. I've always believed that if a woman can marry a man she just met, two men (or women) who have been in love for years should be able to.
    While you plan your wedding, please post pictures somewhere. I just know that you'll have a gorgeous wedding and since I can't actually be there, I'd love to live vicariously through pictures.
    Congratulations to the both of you! I hope you celebrated like mad!!!

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  2. I'm so happy for the both of you. When two people love each other enough to formalize the commitment, it should be rejoiced not persecuted. Please post pictures, so your on-line friends can celebrate with you. Congratulations!

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  3. WOOTY WOOT! So awesome. My friends had their wedding before Halloween herein California. They were engaged for YEARS before they could official-ize it. So happy for you. So happy for us all.

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  4. Awww I teared up reading this :3: NJ here, we just passed too!! Wishing you all the best in the world

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